If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
