Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
