I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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