On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
