Do you still have your period?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
