The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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