Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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