I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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