Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
