He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
