i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
