if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
