I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
