if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
