I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
