I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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