just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
