It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
