Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
