It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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