Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
