I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
