I hope mine doesn't look like that
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
