Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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