my phone needs a breathalizer
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
