I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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