I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
