pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
