i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
