shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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