i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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