Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
