So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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