the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
