Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
