hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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