dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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