Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
