worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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