I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
