shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
