God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Randomize
