my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
