If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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