Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
