My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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