you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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