If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
