You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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