last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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