I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
